My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
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M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.