My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
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Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird