My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
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Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell