My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
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Just organising my finances.
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
My dress code is business-casualty.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown