Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

uh oh

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you