me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
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If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Me: You have to be nice or Santa won’t deliver any toys this year.
5: My brother lets me play with his.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!
Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.