My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
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I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there