my dad has had enough
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getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you鈥檙e too pretty for people to suspect you 鈽猴笍
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
No one approached me鈥揳 reliable stranger鈥搕o take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother鈥檚 name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I鈥檓 kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I can鈥檛 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you鈥檙e having a fight is a croissant cuz he鈥檒l try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that鈥檚 just a delicious way to end a marriage . you鈥檙e welcome .
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
You never truly appreciate Newton鈥檚 laws of motion until you鈥檝e sneezed while going to the bathroom.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i鈥檓 adorable
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 馃構
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE鈥橰E A CRACK FAMILY!!
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn鈥檛 crazy about the lucky binky
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I don鈥檛 like to brag, but I don鈥檛 need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm