my dad has had enough
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Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where鈥檚 she鈥檚 from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I鈥檒l just be outside waiting for cps.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
My kid鈥檚 kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I don鈥檛 always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that鈥檚 not the word.
Hoarder. He鈥檚 a hoarder.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
My cat is trying to kill me. 馃ぃ
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
boss: you鈥檙e late
me: and you are not the father
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.