My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
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I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
The biggest mystery of our time
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Peace was never an option
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Those are good neighbors.
Me too, bag. Me too….
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.