Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

Cheer up.

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

Buck naked

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.