My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
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violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
True
