And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
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Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Hello, I’m a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.
I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…