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Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money


Oh, lovely. You’re doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.


support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas


Can you even imagine the pressure of being a janitor at MIT?


They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.


Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.


satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out


satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much


BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?


Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:


“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.