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@LostFelicia

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

@TheNardvark

Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

@rockymomax

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

@thenatewolf

Hello, I’m a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.

@hazelmotes1

I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

@markleggett

I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.

@shanethevein

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

@batkaren

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…