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@LlamaInaTux

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

@thestlouisan

Oh, lovely. You’re doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.

@torahhorse

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

@ewfeez

Can you even imagine the pressure of being a janitor at MIT?

@IamEveryDayPpl

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

@RaineyKnight666

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

@Skoog

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

@AndrewNadeau0

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

@ZiziFothSi

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

@Smug_Lemur

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.