My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
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USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
notice
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.