Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

I’m giving up for Lent.

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

Holy moly

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production