Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

🫶

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

A double negative is a big no-no.

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap