[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
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My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
old twitter is back baby
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that