[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
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imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself