Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.