My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
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writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish