My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
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YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
i’m so sick of this guy
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!