My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
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Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
*mops up wine with cat*
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Look at this