@Darlainky: My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
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@Adar79Angie: The security camera at work has "too many instances" of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And "any amount" is "too many." According to HR.
@NewDadNotes: Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today. Me: what does that mean? Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes. Me: I’ll go talk to her. Wife: thanks. Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?
@sydneysagehorn: “men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
@sixfootcandy: HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed. ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.