Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

All is fair in drunk and war.

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

is frankincense just very honest incense?

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.