Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

When you’ve simply given up.

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

THE AUDACITY. 😤

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.