My dad is at it again
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My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
This is a whole mood;
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity