My dad is at it again
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Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
January has been Januweary
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it