Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

this is so top tier i cant

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost