my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
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*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Life hack
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.