Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

You saw nothing. I am ham.

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

Don’t tell me what to do

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.