Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

Another day, another…goddammit

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye