Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

The Punning Dead.

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*