My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
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It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.