My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
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Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…