[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
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Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
No.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.