Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.