My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
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Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
