My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
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I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
A small tragedy.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.