Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun