My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
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*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
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Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon