My dad is so cheap that when he dies he is going to walk towards the light and turn it off..

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People that say “God never gives you more than you can handle” never met my ex-girlfriend.


Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one


My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.


Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?


My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.


For every chick that’s crying about no good guys out there…there’s a dude she’s ignoring that’s good to her.


To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.


[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey


Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”