I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
My dad is so cheap that when he dies he is going to walk towards the light and turn it off..
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Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
[24hr news channel]
news just in..
*director repeats himself into headset*
*justin just sits there*
READ THE NEWS JUSTIN
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
HER: I love sweater weather
ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It’s that time of year again already?!
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said “Classy” and my brain leaked out of my ear.
date: so tell me about yourself
me: i am comprised of atoms
date: haha no like what do you do
me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain
date: for like fun, i mean
me: sex and television
alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude