@vicki_gurley

My dad is so cheap that when he dies he is going to walk towards the light and turn it off..

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@MelanieShebel

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

@stephenjmolloy

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

@KeetPotato

[24hr news channel]
news just in..
*director repeats himself into headset*
news justin
*justin just sits there*
READ THE NEWS JUSTIN

@sock_holliday

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

@Crigmaster

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

@JohnLyonTweets

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

@RoosterMustache

HER: I love sweater weather

ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It’s that time of year again already?!

@FunnyMojoJojo

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

@jtswhipped

I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said “Classy” and my brain leaked out of my ear.

@captainkalvis

date: so tell me about yourself

me: i am comprised of atoms

date: haha no like what do you do

me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain

date: for like fun, i mean

me: sex and television

alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude