My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
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My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks