Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

This is so me 😂😂

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

You might just have to resign…