Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

phew

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.