Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”

But, why sir?

Chef: yes

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH