My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
You Might Also Like
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Möther may I have a snäck
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.