My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
You Might Also Like
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days
i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
*pronounces UPS like yoops
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Can Happiness buy money?