My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
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Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
That seems a conundrum…
🤔