My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
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Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room