My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
You Might Also Like
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
the composer
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
live long and prosper!
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
notice
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.