Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

That’s amazing.

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?