Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves

Gets tackled by 15 rats instead