My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
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[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide