My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
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Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
What
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.