My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
You Might Also Like
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth