My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
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Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
pep talk
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur