Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday