My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
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Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.