My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
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Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
It’s on my to-do list.
