My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
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HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
ouch
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my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
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Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control