My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
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Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
it takes so much energy
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Multitask? I can barely unitask
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.