My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
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You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
ready to be harvested
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.