Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”