Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES