My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
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All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Left at a local drug store…
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Had an epiphany today.
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
