Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”