My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
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Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Love is in the air fryer.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause