oh u like history? name everything that happened
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Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Peace was never an option
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night