@BuckyIsotope

My dad left for cigarettes and never came back so I’m going to trap a new one

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@BradBroaddus

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

@SortaBad

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

@thedadvocate01

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

@ilovepie84

Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.

@Ivsy01

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

@TheBoydP

If someone gives me an answer I don’t agree with I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. I assume they didn’t understand the question.

@calamitydaisy

I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.

@ibid78

GOD: let’s make an armored raccoon that turns into a bowling ball
ANGEL: but why wou-
GOD: and we’ll call it an armadillo for some reason

@tastefactory

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*