My dad left for cigarettes and never came back so I’m going to trap a new one

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I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.


Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’


I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.


Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.


Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.


If someone gives me an answer I don’t agree with I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. I assume they didn’t understand the question.


I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.


GOD: let’s make an armored raccoon that turns into a bowling ball
ANGEL: but why wou-
GOD: and we’ll call it an armadillo for some reason


I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*