Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

I’ve had worse

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.