Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

Plant care tips

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me