My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
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The Weeknd is back
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.