My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
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I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
this is the most humiliating day of my life
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
You have been warned.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”