Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*

Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”

7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”

Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”

7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?

– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

This checks out

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.