Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

SCARY COSTUME

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

a god among men